Another Year Gone

There are only 13 hours left of 2012... And at first thought, I am happy to see it go. 

Then I reflect. 

I remember the moments in the rocking chair with Max, singing, reading and snuggling.  I think of our failed attempts to have another baby.  I remember the dinners with my sweet daughter whose life seems to be transforming right before my eyes.  I think of our discussions about finances.  I remember the date nights with my wife and the laughter we always seem to find at just the right time.  I think about how differently we sometimes see things.  I think of my very best friend in the world and our two awesome weekends we managed to carve out this year.  I think about missed opportunities to spend time with friends.  I remember our family vacation with three of us and two sets of grandparents in one condo for an entire week and I can't think of a better way for Max to spend a week at the beach hanging out with two of his Grandfathers!  I think about my own grandparents and relive family vacations from my own childhood and am grateful for the time I still have with them.  I think about the people I've lost this year - both literally and figuratively.  The people who were in my life only for a brief period of time for one reason or another and the lessons I've learned from them.  I remember that people are ALWAYS who they show you they are.  Without fail.  So pay attention and surround yourself with people who bring something to your life.  I think about my funny friend Crystal who lost her battle with cancer just two weeks ago.  One of only two people who I can think of that truly shared my love for and appreciated the art of sarcasm.  She was one of the funniest people I had ever met and I feel lucky to have known her.  

I think about all of these things and more and I think want to cherish every single second of these last 13 hours.  It all makes you who you are, so make the most of it. 

Happy New Year Friends!

Twenty Years

Twenty years ago tonight I was on the phone with one of my best friends from high school.  I was just 18 and over 2 weeks past due with my first baby.  I was upset that I hadn’t gone into labor yet and that my doctor was going to induce me the day after Labor Day.  I wanted so badly to have an intervention free labor and delivery and induction would ruin my perfect plans.  My friend reminded me that the next day was indeed Labor Day, so it was only natural that I would go into labor on that day.  We laughed, hung up the phone and I went to sleep.  At 4:45 AM I woke with my first contraction.  I hadn’t even registered to vote yet!  I didn’t know how to have a BABY!  I didn’t know how to be a parent!  I didn’t know how to breastfeed, burp an infant, or make baby food!  I didn’t even know the gender of my unborn child and yet there I was preparing to give birth, to an actual child that I would be responsible for.  I labored at home for four hours and four hours and three minutes later I was holding my sweet daughter in my arms.  Allyssa Breanne was born on Monday, September 7^th, 1992 at 12:48 PM.  Tomorrow / or today depending on when you are reading this blog, my sweet daughter will be twenty years old.  

Pregnant at 17, statistically I should have dropped out of high school, began receiving welfare benefits and gotten pregnant again within 2 years of my child’s birth.  Luckily for both of us, I did none of those things.  I finished high school and a little bit of college.  I did marry the person responsible for the other half of Allyssa’s DNA – but that didn’t last.  I worked hard and stayed broke but I was happy to be broke and independent.  Through birth control and then lesbianism, I even managed to wait 17 more years to get pregnant again.  Statistically, I would have been a mediocre parent at best, but Allyssa had other plans for me.  She was a kind and gentle baby.  She slept well, ate well and played well.  She was calm and relaxed.  I followed her lead and she made me a better parent.  She was a delightful toddler and a fun and energetic child.  She made me love the life I was living regardless of how alone or broke I was.  On some of my very worst days, Allyssa would do or say something to remind me that all I needed to get through that particular moment was that sweet child.  And I got through it… one day, one week, one month, and one year at a time. 

Time went on and my sweet girl never changed.  Fun, relaxed, kind and gentle.  Anyone who has known Allyssa her entire life can attest this is who she has been since the second her little personality developed!  I changed though, I changed a lot.  I went from a scared pregnant teenager to a relatively decent parent.  I gained confidence, independence and determination.  Allyssa raised me right. 

Most parents say they love their children more than life and I am no different.  We all see our precious babies as they were the moment we laid eyes on them and that kind of love never goes away.  But this child, this child gave me new life, taught me more than I could ever write in one blog and truly saved me.  This child saved me from myself.     

Dear Allyssa,
On your first day as a twenty something, I wish for you to look in the mirror for just a few minutes and see what I see.  I hope you see a bright and shining example of what a truly good person should be.  I hope you see an absolutely beautiful young woman on the inside and out, who on many occasions has made a difference in the lives of those around her.  I hope you see the incredible teacher you will become and the wonderful teacher you already are with the children whose lives you touch every single day.  I hope you see a remarkable sister who is a perfect example of the kind of person we hope Max grows into.  I hope you see a genuine friend who means the world to the people closest to her heart and most importantly, I hope you see my little hero, the little girl who made me a better Mom and a better person.  I love you more than I could ever express… All the way to the moon and back!  

Love, 

Mom

Life Keeps Moving

Over halfway through the year....  How does that happen??  One minute you're ringing in the New Year, the next minute it's July.  Funny how time flies. 

I have spent the last several months slowing things down a little, remembering how to say no, and letting things go.  I am choosing my friends much more carefully these days and finally learned the lesson that just because people are in your family of origin, doesn't mean they should be in your life (or on your Facebook.)   Unbeknownst to almost everyone, late last year we decided to try to have another baby.  After four unsuccessful tries (and thousands of dollars) we decided to put that dream away for awhile.  I'm still saddened by it.  I still cry about it sometimes and I still want to kick people in the shins when they say, "Well, at least you have Allyssa and Max."  I know, I know... People are just trying to be nice.  Please don't send me any hate mail.  I get it. 

Life has been less than perfect for the past several months and I am ready for a change.

So, the Bailey's are on the move.  We decided late May to look for a bigger house.  The house we currently live in was my house B.L. (Before Lisa)  It's a great house in a nice neighborhood.  But when I bought it, I thought I would be an empty-nester within 10 years of purchase.  I thought I would have a kid away in college - just me and my dog occupying all that space.  When I chose that house, I never in a million years thought that within 5 years of purchase I would be married.  That I would have multiple step-dogs and only a year and a half after the wedding would have a baby on the way!  And while my other little bird jumped out of the nest, she jumped a little too early and came back.  That being said, with the housing market the way it is, we knew it was both a perfect time for us to get a much bigger house and also to be able to rent our current house. 

We thought it would be the end of the year before we would find what we were looking for since we knew very specifically what we wanted and where we wanted it to be.  We looked at our first three houses on June 2nd.  The second of the three was perfect.  June 6th our contract was accepted and we'll be closing on the new house in just a couple of weeks. 

A bigger house won't keep my calendar clear, it won't keep people from asking me to commit to things I don't want to do.  It won't keep my friends loyal, or make my family normal and it certainly won't bring me a baby.  BUT it will keep me from having a basketball goal and a Little Tikes Tool  Bench in my living room and for THAT I am truly grateful! 

Sometimes things are crappy, sometimes they're not.  Life keeps moving... 

Two Much Fun!

Another blog... that I forgot to publish.  Grrrrr......

Is it just me or did the past two years completely fly by?? It seems like yesterday we were on the ride from hell to the hospital and now... Mad Max is two! It truly is amazing the transformation that happens between birth and two years old. We brought home an almost nine pound baby boy who did nothing but poop, sleep, cry, eat, repeat. Now we have a miniature man who laughs when he passes gas and has no problem telling us what he likes and does not like. He went from waking up every two hours to going to the potty every two hours. From crying the second we removed him from his swing to crying the second we turn off Monsters, Inc. He went from having to be fed and changed, to eating anything and everything in sight with a fork and using the bathroom on his own. All of this in just twenty-four short months! It is truly unbelievable at times.

I never knew what sleep deprivation was until that little man came along. I had never been peed on and had never had to potty train a child. I had never been awakened by the sound of a screaming infant through a monitor and had never had baby vomit on my clothes.  (My sweet daughter was a miraculous infant / toddler.) I never knew just how badly a diaper pail could smell or how little tolerance one child can have for being told no.  I never knew that teething molars could be so miserable. FOR EVERY PERSON IN THE HOUSEHOLD!  I never knew that one small boy could make such incredibly large messes.  I never knew that tantrums really can last for what seems like forever and that sometimes you just have to leave the room that the screaming demon -- oops I mean child -- is occupying.  I never knew that a one year old boy can go from a completely adorable angel to Captain Destructo in less than 60 seconds.  I never knew that ANYTHING can turn into a car or a dinosaur at ANY moment.  One second he's eating an apple slice and the next it's being driven up and down your arm, horn honking and all. 

I never knew how much I would miss getting up in the middle of the night.  I never knew how sweet (and funny) it would be to hear a now two year old Max call us from his bed in the mornings.  I never knew just how much fun toddler boys have.  I never knew how imaginative he would be at two years old.  I never knew that a kid could have so much fun feeding himself.  I never knew how precious it would be to hear him say "Sowwy." I never knew he would love books this much.  I never knew he would melt my heart with, "MOMMY HERE!" when I pick him up at daycare.  I never knew how much he would adore all of the people in his life, including the dog.  I never knew how contagious his belly laugh was.  I never knew I would have this much love in my heart for TWO children! 

Dear Max,

On your 2nd birthday, thank you for being the absolute sweetest boy - even when it's difficult.  Thank you for teaching me that some toys are just more fun when they are being crashed into walls, that sometimes it's fun to eat yogurt with your fingers and that if you're outside and there is a running hose within a three house radius, you should be in it!  Thank you for loving your parents, your sister and your dog and thank you for actually saying it.  And selfishly, thank you for making me look good by saying please and thank you and using the toilet.  You are the best little boy I could have ever hoped for and I hope you still love me and think I am funny for MANY years to come! 

I love you Mad Max!  Happy, Happy Second Birthday!

Road Trip!

I found this blog buried in drafts...  Written in April 2 years ago....

Last week I found myself driving down the interstate, with both of my kids (sleeping) in the car, crying like a baby. I had spent Easter Week (better known as Spring Break 2010) on a road trip with my seventeen year old daughter and my two month old son. I know what you're thinking, that alone is enough to make anyone cry but that wasn't why I was crying. It had been an emotional week for me anyway. Visiting my family does that to me.  Add to that my son was not fond of the long distance travel, so our trip times were doubled to better accommodate him and don't forget to throw in some post-pregnancy hormones.  But all of that didn't bother me as much as thinking about the fact that this would be the last road trip Allyssa and I will take together before she finishes high school and starts a new chapter in her life.

Road trips have long been a tradition for my daughter and I. They used to be out of necessity, since I was a single mother and too broke to fly but now that we have become accustomed to them - we can't wait to take them!  We have MANY road trip memories. Some good... Making the cashier at a drive-thru in Kentucky laugh out loud when we pulled up to the window and I had attached a car air freshener to my ear and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. The MANY times that Allyssa would do "research" on the road trying to determine how many people would wave at a little girl who waved at them first and if the color of ones car had any bearing on their propensity to wave back. The time when she wrote "SMILE" in big letters and put it on the window every time we passed a car and the routine concerts that we would put on for each other as we made the drive to wherever it was we were going. I can see my daughter now... seven or eight years old... Singing her heart out to Shania Twain, country twang and all and asking me in earnest if she did indeed sound like Shania.

And some bad... Being stuck on the side of I-24 for six hours with hundreds of other stranded travelers during a snow storm, subsequently having to stay in a bed and breakfast that Allyssa will tell you was haunted. Traveling to and from with very little money and no room for any kind of incident only to have my car break down somewhere in the middle of Tennessee leaving me with a hotel bill and a car repair of $500+.

We've come a long way since those first few road trips. For one, now I have another driver and sometimes we stay in a hotel on purpose.  My daughter has developed her own taste in music and an incredible sense of humor.  She's gone from a gapped tooth six year old to a beautiful young adult.  She has gone from needing help cleaning her room to volunteering to clean rooms at The Ronald McDonald House and completing a service mission trip in Costa Rica.  I went from a young single mom with three jobs to a married mother of two who often wonders how we ever made it the two of us.  Somehow, (by an act of God) I managed to raise a moderately normal kid with a great personality and a sense responsibility to the world around her. 

Raising Allyssa on my own for the first 15 years was a lot like one long road trip.  We've seen a lot of cool things, we've been through some bad traffic but as I looked over at my sweet and amazing daughter sleeping through the last leg of our road trip I knew the journey truly has been the reward!  Good Lord I love that child! 

Happy New Year!

2012... Does that even seem possible? Time really does just disappear sometimes doesn't it? I can hardly believe that Mad Max is just one month away from turning two and even more unfathomable, my sweet girl will be TWENTY this year! And re-reading that sentence reminds me of how absolutely crazy I am!

2011 was full of many things to be thankful for. Good and bad it all makes us who we are. I, like many other people didn't see my all of my 2011 resolutions to fruition and like those same people I made resolutions again this year. Except this year I decided to make my resolutions more attainable. I am giving up dark liquor and cigarettes. That shouldn't be a problem.

Do you ever wonder why people don't resolve to just be a better version of themselves? It seems like it would be an easy one. Small changes would make the resolution a success. For some of the people in my life, I can help you achieve that goal. (Don't worry, I won't use names!)

For instance, if you don't typically say please and thank you, you could try that. Even part-time manners would be an improvement to no manners at all.

You could stop using social networking sites as a way to gain sympathy from your "friends." I don't know many adults who actually feel sorry for the Poor Me Facebook poster. Remember what you put out is what you get back. Try it, you might like it!

You could stop wondering why your job is crap when your performance is crap. Just a thought.

You could self-reflect - just once or twice and really try to see where your responsibility lies in any given situation. It's very easy just to own up to your mistakes and people will actually... Wait for it... Respect your commitment to honesty and responsibility! Bonus!!

You could lose the passive - aggressive behavior. I've spent thousands on therapy learning how to deal with people like you. It's old, it doesn't work. Try something new.

You could remember to think about how your actions or inactions affect those around you. It's not always all about you.

Once in awhile, you could think beyond today. Unless the world really does come to an end this year, there will be a tomorrow, a next week, month and year. Your behavior today just might affect your tomorrow. Be more mindful of that.

Think about how your actions, behavior and attitude DIRECTLY affect your children. Every day is a lesson for them and it's important to ALWAYS remember, you are showing them how they should behave as an adult. Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.

Tell the truth. Nine times out of ten, we all know you're lying. It makes you look stupid and makes the rest of us angry that you think WE are stupid.

And lastly because this list really could go on forever, just try to do the right thing at least once a day. You have 15-20 hours a day to do it. Fit it in somewhere!

Easy right?? Maybe being a better version of oneself is more difficult than it seems. I'm going to try it. I'll let you know.