Exactly What It's Supposed To Be

Last week I received a package at work. I knew what it was, I had been expecting it. It was my fiancée's wedding band. I looked at the package for what felt like an hour and finally opened it. There were no surprises, it was exactly what I had expected. From the metal, to the finish, to the inscription (a line from the vows I wrote for the ceremony) it was exactly what it was supposed to be. Packaged very nicely in a black velvet box – exactly how it was supposed to be. I looked at the ring, examined it, even tried it on my own hand and wondered if our marriage would be like that ring. Exactly what it's supposed to be. Then I had to wonder… What is it supposed to be??

Some of you know it's been a long time since I was married the first time. That was by design. I've had other offers in the past 13 years, one formal offer (twice, same person) and one informal offer, different person. I declined every time. When I was divorced 13 years ago, I really thought I wasn't cut out for marriage and at a mere twenty years old, I was right! I didn't know the first thing about being someone's wife and when my marriage ended after two years of HELL I was NOT about to try that role again! Life went on and I had two other long term relationships that ended for a number of reasons – but not before the subject of marriage had been broached. With both of those relationships, I knew there was not a chance that I could commit my life to either of those people. Not only would it have never worked – hence the inevitable demise of the relationship, but I was just too damn selfish. I didn't want to share my space, I didn't want to share my stuff, I DEFINITELY didn't want to share what little money I had and I didn't really want to share my daughter. Somehow… even though this relationship (on the romantic level) has only been in existence a fraction of the time of the last two – somehow, thankfully this is different.

Someone asked me the other day how long Lisa and I had been together and I had to think about it. I thought about it later and realized I had to think about it because it seems as though it's just always been. Lisa and I were good friends before we took our relationship to the next level and even since then, it just seems as though we have always been together. Everything just clicks. There is a flow about our relationship that just works. It's impossible to imagine my future without her, but even more strangely I can barely remember a past without her in it.

All of that aside, I still am not exactly sure what a marriage is supposed to look like, feel like and be like. I've never been in a successful one and with divorced parents, I didn't grow up looking at their relationship and wishing for a marriage just like theirs. I don't know very many people that I would consider really happily married, (beyond about 5 years) so there aren't many couples I feel like we could learn from. * PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ME THAT YOU ARE HAPPILY MARRIED! I SAID I DON'T KNOW MANY – I DIDN'T SAY THAT I DIDN'T KNOW ANY!) That's when I took a deep breath (to ward off the panic that was setting in) and decided maybe THAT it what it's supposed to be. Trial and error… learning from our mistakes and loving each other through each one of them. Remembering that at the end of every day, even if we are angry, we still love each other more than anyone else ever has. Realizing that one of us has never been married and the other one shouldn't have been, so we're both learning something new.

I read a quote once that said, "True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." That like Lisa's ring… is exactly how it's supposed to be.

Learning How & Who To Love

I don't remember exactly how old I was when my grandmother first told me that you should never make someone a priority when they only consider you an option. I do remember that I furrowed my eyebrows and half smiled pretending like I understood only to be thinking in the back of my mind that she was crazy. As something called "Life" happened, I began to understand what she meant. Unfortunately, I didn't choose to actually act on the advice, but I did start to understand it. Just about three years ago, I decided that I would actually start acting on that principle and while in some instances it's been heartbreaking, I know now that the most important people in my life don't consider me an option.

It's a shame that it took me all of thirty years to figure out how and who to love, but it did. While I am one to believe you are always where you are supposed to be, that everything happens for a reason and I genuinely value even the most horrible of times over my adult life knowing that it only brought me closer to the person I was to become – I can't help but wish or at least wonder how things may have been different if someone had told me just the most basic truths about relationships. So this, my friends, is a small (very small) list of things I think are important in relationships. Relationships of all kinds… romantic, platonic, etc. Nothing profound - just my opinion. Just an open letter of sorts to my incredibly amazing daughter and anyone else who might need it. Hoping that someday she will be writing a blog about what she learned from me about relationships…. And I hope every word of it is positive.

Of course it begins… "Never make someone a priority if they only consider you an option."

Fall in love with your best friend and if you are falling in love with someone who is not yet your best friend, make sure you can envision them in that role. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the people you love. Tell the people you care about exactly what you expect – your relationships will be better for it. Be confident in your worth and expect the people you love to know your worth as well. Don't get involved with people you need to change – it won't happen and it shouldn't happen. You have to evolve on your own, and so do the people in your life. Know the difference between friends and acquaintances, both are important, but there is a difference. Treat your friends, family, partners, spouses and even strangers the way you want to be treated. You never know how or when you can change someone's day, week or even life in a positive or negative way. Spend your life with someone who will do little things that make a difference, even if that difference only means something to you. Be certain that the people in your life love you for who you are and for no other reason. Know that the only unconditional love is between parents and their children, understand your limitations as well as those of the people who love you. Love and be loved with all your soul can give and take.

And one more – because this blog has gone on way too long… Spend your life with someone who makes you laugh, even when you're dreaming.

Myth vs. Reality

So I officially "came out" via the world wide web. This still makes me chuckle a little bit because I suppose I didn't realize how many people that I don't see in "real life" didn't know I was gay! That being said, after the shock wore off most of my friends were very happy for me and very supportive. I did find out that LOTS of people don't really KNOW any lesbians – or not well enough to ask them very personal questions --- oh wait, if they didn't know I was gay, they probably don't know me well enough either…. Just kidding. So I decided I would occasionally write on the topic to close the gap between myth and reality.

My first theme… Girls Dating Girls.

So now we ALL know, I am a Lesbian. I live in the South, do not live in a "gay" neighborhood AND… I do not even remotely resemble your stereotypical lesbian. (Please don't pretend not to know the type, just because you judge by appearances doesn't necessarily mean you are homophobic.) I have had the question asked - MORE THAN ONCE – "So, which one of you is like, uh, the uh, guy?" I am here to tell you, we are both very much girls – and we both happen to like it that way. Now, anyone of you that has met my lovely Lisa can attest, that while we are both definitely women, she on most days is less feminine than I am. Not all couples have these "roles" but I would like to share with you the advantages to being of the more feminine variety and finding that your attractions lie with the opposite.

So here are my Top Ten Reasons I completely understand (and highly recommend) loving a woman of the less feminine variety.

10.) If you play your cards right and choose carefully, you can double your wardrobe. (At least where cargo shorts and t-shirts are concerned.)

9.) You will never have to cry over IKEA's horrific directions again!

8.) Mowing your own grass, a thing of the past.

7.) More counter space for your own hair care products.

6.) Being allowed to choose any and as many home décor items as you like and not having to argue over decorators' colors.

5.) Never again will you blow a fuse due to too many hair care appliances being plugged in at once.

4.) You will never look all over for your eyelash curler only to find it's in her purse.

3.) Never having to go to the bar for my own drinks.

2.) You will never receive a gift that was given in hopes that you will share. Example: bags, hats, shoes, perfume, etc.

And the number one reason I love a woman less feminine than myself….

1.) I get all kinds of ME time during football season!