Exactly What It's Supposed To Be

Last week I received a package at work. I knew what it was, I had been expecting it. It was my fiancée's wedding band. I looked at the package for what felt like an hour and finally opened it. There were no surprises, it was exactly what I had expected. From the metal, to the finish, to the inscription (a line from the vows I wrote for the ceremony) it was exactly what it was supposed to be. Packaged very nicely in a black velvet box – exactly how it was supposed to be. I looked at the ring, examined it, even tried it on my own hand and wondered if our marriage would be like that ring. Exactly what it's supposed to be. Then I had to wonder… What is it supposed to be??

Some of you know it's been a long time since I was married the first time. That was by design. I've had other offers in the past 13 years, one formal offer (twice, same person) and one informal offer, different person. I declined every time. When I was divorced 13 years ago, I really thought I wasn't cut out for marriage and at a mere twenty years old, I was right! I didn't know the first thing about being someone's wife and when my marriage ended after two years of HELL I was NOT about to try that role again! Life went on and I had two other long term relationships that ended for a number of reasons – but not before the subject of marriage had been broached. With both of those relationships, I knew there was not a chance that I could commit my life to either of those people. Not only would it have never worked – hence the inevitable demise of the relationship, but I was just too damn selfish. I didn't want to share my space, I didn't want to share my stuff, I DEFINITELY didn't want to share what little money I had and I didn't really want to share my daughter. Somehow… even though this relationship (on the romantic level) has only been in existence a fraction of the time of the last two – somehow, thankfully this is different.

Someone asked me the other day how long Lisa and I had been together and I had to think about it. I thought about it later and realized I had to think about it because it seems as though it's just always been. Lisa and I were good friends before we took our relationship to the next level and even since then, it just seems as though we have always been together. Everything just clicks. There is a flow about our relationship that just works. It's impossible to imagine my future without her, but even more strangely I can barely remember a past without her in it.

All of that aside, I still am not exactly sure what a marriage is supposed to look like, feel like and be like. I've never been in a successful one and with divorced parents, I didn't grow up looking at their relationship and wishing for a marriage just like theirs. I don't know very many people that I would consider really happily married, (beyond about 5 years) so there aren't many couples I feel like we could learn from. * PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ME THAT YOU ARE HAPPILY MARRIED! I SAID I DON'T KNOW MANY – I DIDN'T SAY THAT I DIDN'T KNOW ANY!) That's when I took a deep breath (to ward off the panic that was setting in) and decided maybe THAT it what it's supposed to be. Trial and error… learning from our mistakes and loving each other through each one of them. Remembering that at the end of every day, even if we are angry, we still love each other more than anyone else ever has. Realizing that one of us has never been married and the other one shouldn't have been, so we're both learning something new.

I read a quote once that said, "True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." That like Lisa's ring… is exactly how it's supposed to be.