Have your cake and eat it too

I love Carrot Cake. I’ve always been a fan, but as an adult I would almost always forego chocolate cake for Carrot Cake. That was until I met my mother-in-law. I don’t remember for sure how long ago it was when I had my first taste of her Carrot Cake, but I remember knowing I could never look at just an ordinary Carrot Cake again. Lisa told me her mom was a great cook (which was a gross understatement) and Lisa knew I loved carrot cake and had her mom make me one. Lisa brought it over and it looked amazing. Three layers high, covered in thick cream cheese frosting, all completely from scratch, of course. I was almost afraid to eat it out of worry that it wouldn’t taste as good as it looked.

Some of you know what my previous relationship was like and some of the stories behind it. For those that don’t, I will just keep it short for the sake of space and tell you that my ex-girlfriend’s mother was CRAZY with a capital “C!” Not only was she crazy, she was a mean, manipulative, narcissistic, pathological liar. (And that is my way of erring on the side of nice.) She rarely cared about how her actions, words and behavior affected her own husband and children and she definitely didn’t care how it affected me. When I went into that relationship I had all sorts of ideas of how things would be. Her parents (Who lived minutes away) would love me, they would love my small child and we would all live happily ever after. I was very quickly brought to the reality of the situation when I found her mother excluding me at every opportunity, blatantly ignoring me and on more than one occasion spreading outright lies about me.

When that relationship ended, per the request of my therapist I made a list of all the things I wanted in my next relationship. I decided that one (of the MANY) items on my “List Of Things I Will Not Live Without In My Next Relationship” was a loving and supportive immediate family. I have parents, I have grandparents and I have siblings. I didn’t want a lifeline; I just wanted my next relationship to have a family that was supportive of their daughter’s sexuality, and would at least try to get to know me… some people even grow to like me! I shared my list with some of my closest friends and some responses were, “You need to scale that down unless you plan on being with several people.” “You’ll never find one person who fits ALL of that criteria.” “You’ll have to sacrifice something, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

Since Lisa and I were friends before we became romantically involved, even though I hadn’t met her parents, I knew she came from a good family. I knew her parents knew she was gay, I knew that they were supportive and accepting of her and I knew that she always spoke very highly of her parents and brother. I very clearly remember the first time I met Lisa’s mom. I had been visiting Lisa and we went to lunch. Afterwards, she said she wanted to take me somewhere and I agreed. We drove for about 25 minutes and not being from that area I had no idea where we were going. As we drove into a small, quiet subdivision I knew she was taking me to her parents house. My heart began to race, I thought I might throw up and I think I even asked her not to take me there. We pulled into the driveway and I could feel the anxiety swallowing me. Lisa laughed as if it were no big deal and after a minute or so, we went inside. Her father wasn’t home, but her mom was. As we were introduced she was smiling and full of humor. (She’s somewhat sarcastic and very witty.) We stayed for a little while and when we left her mom hugged me and told me how nice it was to meet me. I left thinking she seemed nice… but so did Medusa. (The name I not-so-lovingly gave my ex girlfriends mother.) Knowing how family impacted my last relationship, in the beginning I was always concerned (on the verge of paranoid) about Lisa’s parents and whether they liked me or not.

Here I am what feels like many years later. I just finished the last piece of Carrot Cake that Lisa’s mom made ME for LISA’S birthday and I am very happy to say that the Carrot Cake was every bit as good as it looked and Lisa’s family…. They too have been just what they appeared to be. Warm, funny, welcoming and loving.

I’m so glad I added the loving and supportive family to my list as my last relationship was ending, I am so glad I didn’t settle for anything less.